New York Minute

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As a New Yorker, I’ve realized that time is valued more than anything and there is never enough time in the day FOR anything. This includes dates. Two tinder boys asked me out on a Tuesday night (riddle, anyone?) I accepted both invitations. One date was scheduled for 8:30 pm and the other one at 10:30 pm. Honestly, I only need five minutes with a guy to know if I’m interested but this isn’t speed dating, it’s real dates, and unless I pull a bathroom getaway or fake emergency, I need to sit through it. Every person you meet knows something you don’t… time to get educated. And if the date is a bust, you at least get to try a new spot in the city & you can add to your list of “deal breakers” for whatever personality trait you couldn’t stand. 2 hours a date, 2 conversations, 2 drinks. (warning: too many dates can make you fat, watch the alcohol & sugar intake) Killing two birds in one stone was a brilliant idea. I was dressed up for both dates, I retold my story & picked their brains.

The first guy was nice although his voice was too high and his arms were too small. There’s a Tinder poll that says in the world of online dating, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer while men are afraid of meeting someone who is fat. UM HELLO?! If your biggest fear is me looking fatter than my photos, why the fuck are you skinnier than yours?! Same shit. Same disappointment. Regardless, I like meeting new people and I sat through the date. He was actually a pretty cool guy. He told me he was 1/4th Albanian which I thought was awesome. He had two older brothers, one for each of my sisters ;]. Haha jp, my taken sisters tell me they live vicariously through my dates. I decided to friendzone him, which honestly is better than nozone.

I took a cab to meet my next date. He was brand new to the city and worked for Google. He was more humble than the other guys I’ve gone on dates with. The New York water does something to these boys… get em while they are still pure if you want a nice guy. But nice guys finish last in my world and I was bored. We talked about netflix. This is my lame detective way of figuring out the mind level of men. Documentaries about the galaxy/humans/aliens? You are winning points my friend. He invited me to come have lunch with him at Google the following week. As awesome as that sounded, I really didn’t feel a connection and I didn’t want to waste either of our time. New to New York + Super new to New York = blind leading the blind.

At the end of both dates, I made sure to glance at the tip they left. It shows a lot about a guy. I also pay attention to how he talks and treats the bartender. Any form of disrespect files him away as “ignore all future texts” category. I didn’t feel it with either guy, but I wasn’t disappointed. I’m not dating to find a boyfriend necessarily. I’m actually proud of myself for never settling anymore. I want fireworks, not a cigarette flame.

 

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Daddy’s Money (Lack Thereof)

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Couples fight. COUPLES. But first dates? This guy got into two arguments with me on our first and last date. He was a typical loud, obnoxious frat boy. Bragged about his processions and money (aka daddy’s money) as well as posting photos of it all on Instagram. He was in the city for the summer and literally thought he ran New York. Yeah, keep running boy… Far, far away. He took me to a fancy happy hour party ($20 cover which he asked me for). It went okay, I guess, until we were deciding what to do later and I said I would text my promoter friends to see what they had going on. He got quiet for a while and then said “it’s rude you’re with me and you’re texting other guys.” I looked at him dumbfounded. I told him again it was for us. He said “I don’t need promoters to get in places. I know people. But if you’re gonna keep texting other guys in front of my face then just leave.”

I honestly should have fucking left after that but I had a better idea. I know how hard it is for guys to get into clubs without dropping $$$ and his cheap ass & no-it all attitude wasn’t gonna get us in anywhere. I wanted the satisfaction of seeing him fail, which he did! He didn’t want to pay a dime for the club cover, or the cab! Princess stepped out of the cab first, leaving me to pay for it. All that money talk but you ain’t talking now fool. We went to a bar instead and he surprisingly ordered 2 shots of tequila. The bartender asked him for $40. My date goes “$40?! No, fuck that” and denied the already poured shots. I was mortified. I had enough. I told him straight up “I’m gonna get going. I’m not going back to your place so feel free to find a girl here that will. I don’t wanna waste either of our time.” He. Flipped. Out. He goes “Wow you just basically called me a whore! We’ve had such a good time tonight and you’re really gonna say something like that to me?! Are you serious??? I can’t believe you just said that.” Believe it buddy. I left his sorry ass at the bar and he texted me the next day saying he was drunk and wants a redo. Ha!!

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Be Careful What You Wish For

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I used to see men with little kids and it melted my heart. I wanted a guy with a kid. I got a guy with a kid. The truth is: he had his child 20% of the time. The baby mamma was as crazy and manipulative as they get. The headache wasn’t worth it. He got another girl pregnant while he was with me. A man with an unplanned child isn’t cute. It isn’t fun. It’s irresponsible and selfish.

I used to want a guy with big muscles. I got a guy with big muscles, big fake steroid muscles. The truth is: he was insecure and self centered. He spent more time at the gym than with me. His balls shrunk and he got acne. He was always angry and he took it out on me. He started getting physical, and I finally got the courage to leave him with my sister’s help.

I used to see men in uniform, and I dreamed of a life with a military man. I got a military man. The truth is: he was the kind who wasn’t in the battle field. The kind who chose the military life because he didn’t want to go to college, not because he wanted to serve his country. The distance was hard and the deployment was even harder. Military men have a reputation of cheating and this one wasn’t an exception.

I used to want a man covered in tattoos. I dated three. The truth is: men who had tattoos were not afraid of commitment. All three wanted to marry me. All three got something tattoo’d on their bodies for me. I left them all. You’d be a fool to get something tattoo’d for me. I’m not for anyone, I’m barely for me.

 

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Three’s a Crowd, And A Whore.

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Finally! A sweet, tall, and handsome guy. You’d think in a city of millions, they’d be more frequent, and they are, but they usually go for each other. Sugar, spice, and everything nice is the formula for the powderpuff boys in NYC.

He invited me out to the bar with his former classmates. Everyone was really nice and friendly to me. 20 minutes into the night, my date and I separate from the group & go to the crowded bar to get drinks. While we were talking, one of the drunk girls from his crew was giving us a sloppy death stare. A few minutes later, she pushes in between us, faces him, and says “I’m gonna cock block”. She then proceeds to grab him and starts making out with him! Just like that! The whole situation was so awkward.

I quickly turn the other way and luckily a knight in shining armor & his friends started talking to me. The knight watched the whole thing go down & wanted to ease the embarrassment. With my back to the hot couple, my date takes that moment to leave with her! I couldn’t believe it. A few moments later, my date’s friends came up to me and told me he used to hook up with that girl and she was outraged when she saw me with him. They told me I should give him another chance because “he had no control of the situation”. Hahahahaha. No. He instantly went from man to little bitch the moment he let her kiss him. He could have pulled her aside and stopped her.

When I told his friends there was no way I would ever give him another chance, they basically asked if I was up for grabs by them. I laughed and said I wasn’t gonna be passed around & they respected that. I spend the night drinking and hanging out with his friends and that knight who saved me. Lover boy texted me a few times apologizing, saying it was his “ex”, and how bad he felt. His last text said “I hope you were able to salvage your night, those guys looked pretty into you” referring to the knight. Are you fucking kidding? I swear, I’m either gonna turn nun or lesbian at this point.

Months later, he tried again. (as shown above) I’m trying something new in New York. No second chances. Ever. It was too much of a disrespect for me to let that shit slide. YA BLEW IT FUCKBOY.

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Row, Row, Row Your Boat, Gently Off This Date

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The date idea was awesome, the guy was not. He took me on the row boats in Central Park, which I’ve been wanting to do but the company killed it. He was skinnier than his photos, which is the equivalent of a girl being fatter than hers. Not cool. I like my men with muscle. His thoughts & words were all over the place and he was just a straight up weirdo. You know when you just get that creeper vibe from people? Trust the vibes. Tune in: How to plan your own murder, ft. me.

Not that there’s an escape route in the lake he could have paddled my dead body to (actually, I was paddling… That’s how weird this guy was) but I started thinking about how dumb I was to put so much trust into strangers. I basically blocked his annoying voice with my visual murder thoughts. I’m kidding. I wasn’t scared, just bored & slightly disappointed in my choices.

After we got off the boat safe & sound, I lied and told him I was staying at the park to catch up on reading. We said our goodbyes & I waited a few minutes before I started walking in the same direction as him to leave the park. I could still see him so I hid behind trees and tip toed my way out like a creep. Most exciting part of my date to be honest. The next day, I did a semi nude photoshoot (aka my bare back) for work and I posted a sneak peak on my Instagram. He texted me saying “wow nude shoot? I guess models will do anything when they get desperate.” I told him to go fuck himself in the ass with a paddle.

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Homes for Sale & Fake Estate

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I’m currently on the plane from my hometown to my new city and I wish I could stay in the sky forever. I’ve lost the sense of “home”. I just tried to make a home out of him, but the foreclosure hit me like a ton of bricks when we said goodbye. I wish I could go into a state of trance, where nothing exists, nothing matters, and this brain of mine stops thinking. A state of peace. That same feeling I get when I drink, every goddamn night. I’ve been ignoring truths for temporary happiness. It took six months to destroy myself and I guess you could say I’m under construction now. This isn’t exactly an NYC dating post, but it’s the critical step you need before you date. Unless you have yourself figured out, you can’t bring someone else into it the mess. Your foundation can’t be another person, they have their own. You have to find yourself, however you can. You have to find home.

P.S. I’m not lost, I’m wandering. Temporarily.

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She’s Just Not That Into You!

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It’s not easy to reject a guy after a decent date with him. I don’t mean to lead anyone on or send mixed signals, I’m just an easy person to get along with.  I’m thankful that these guys take me on dates, spend their time and money on me but I don’t owe anyone anything. After the dates, I’ll thank the guys, maybe answer a couple of texts to be nice but I usually just stop responding all together and they typically get the hint. But how is it that two people can go on the SAME date and get two different experiences and feelings? I leave a date calling my best friend to tell her how horrible it was, and he leaves texting me, and texting, and texting. Get a clue guys! Picking up on vibes is my favorite quality. I will “get the hint” before a hint is even given. I’ll leave before being left, always.

I stopped sparing guy’s feelings the moment I learned a man is not a man if he cannot accept rejection. When you are uninterested in a guy, simply say “No thank you” add a smiley face (either in person or in text) if you want to ease the rejection. If the guy shows any anger or says something like “you aren’t that special anyway”. Tell him that real men can handle rejection and laugh in his face. For the men that handle it in a good manner, I always tell them I appreciate them for it, in hopes they will continue to act properly towards women.

I’d advice you ladies not to text first after a date, even a great date. Say your thank yous at the end of the date verbally. If you made a great impression on him, he will ask you out again. Your responses should be clear enough to him that he knows the feeling is mutual to keep it going. I’d never want to go out with a guy who didn’t think I was worth contacting after a date and you shouldn’t either. Keep your standards as high as your heels.

Also, don’t EVER say “I have a bf”, say “I’m not interested.” Men respect another man’s “property” but not a woman’s “no”. It’s time to change that. “No.” is a complete sentence and does not need any explanation.

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Dull Assumptions

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I met this guy during a karaoke night out with my friends. He was tall, dark, and handsome and the tattoo on his arm looked damn good. He resembled the guy from John Tucker Must Die, and soon I learned he lacked depth like him as well. Super sweet kid but he sees things for how they are. I could never get him to have deep discussions with me. I went out with him on a few occasions. He took me to Long Island beach after I said I was missing home and the beach. He took me to an awesome spot in Brooklyn where you could see the skyline of the city. He took me to a haunted house for Halloween and I held on to his tattooed arm.

He invited me to the bar for his birthday and introduced me to all of his friends. Later that night, I found out he booked a hotel room… for us. I was not having it. First of all, he should have never assumed. I never agreed to a hotel and I don’t owe a man anything. It doesn’t matter that he had taken me out several times and I didn’t care that it was his birthday. The only birthday sex he was going to have was with his hand. He was drunk and he didn’t hide the fact that it upset him I wasn’t staying the night…. so I didn’t hide the fact that I was done. Our conversations were dull anyway, but thanks for the cool dates Mr. Tucker.

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If Love Isn’t The Bad Guy, Am I?

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I used to think I was tough, but then I realized I wasn’t. I was fragile and I wore thick fucking armor. And I hurt people so they couldn’t hurt me. And I thought that was what being tough was, but it isn’t.

Who did this to me? Who made my heart so cold that it turned hard and never fully returned. Who taught me that love isn’t serious? Who taught me to play with fire every god damn time?  Was it the boy who took my virginity? I broke his heart. Was it the guy who took steroids and shoved me? He tried to kill himself when I ended it. Was it the jealous man deployed overseas? I left him too. I leave them all. I leave before I’m left. That’s my thing. My other thing is loving with no real intention. I’m never vulnerable and no one can ever hurt me. I often wonder what kind of bliss and happiness I’m missing out on by loving the way I do. I want to know why I’m a monster. I want to shatter my walls & not hurt anyone with the pieces while I learn to love. I want to rip my heart out and replace it with the hearts of all the boys I’ve hurt. Even broken, those hearts hold more love than I’ve ever experienced. Those hearts were vulnerable enough to let love in, something I can’t seem to do.

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