Last week, I asked a coworker for her phone number. She said she didn’t have a phone because her boyfriend broke it. I said “You mean ex-boyfriend?” And she said “No, we’re still together.” She then proceeded to tell me how he broke her phone because he thinks she shouldn’t have a phone, and that she can use his if she needs to. I was dumbfounded and then I was fuming. Nothing gets under my skin more than hearing things like this. Of course I gave her a speech but it went in one ear and out the other.
I know I can’t help everyone, but if there’s one person reading this that I can influence, then I’ve done my part. Ladies, please, please, I am begging you, don’t EVER allow a man to tell you that you can’t do something, can’t wear something, can’t go somewhere, or can’t talk to someone. You are a god damn adult. The days of listening to your own parents are over so why the hell are you acting like a child? I expect this from men, but I don’t expect this from YOU! Pointing fingers isn’t going to help. I could give a fuck what your man says, if you don’t agree with it, his words are useless, his words hold no value, and his words will not influence YOUR choices. My first love was controlling. I was young and dumb and I thought he did it out of love. My second love TRIED to be controlling but when he saw how stubborn I was about not listening to a man, we fought constantly & I eventually dumped him. I learned from my mistakes. Same guy, same situation, different me!
We are the factor that changes everything. We hold the power. Speaking of power, the #1 reason 18 year old me always listened to my first boyfriend was because I was afraid he would leave me if I didn’t. It sounds stupid looking back & my only regret in life is not punching him in the face for destroying my young confidence, but here we are, and I’m stronger because of that. Back to that fear – I know you ladies feel the same way, or maybe you listen to him because you don’t think the argument is worth getting what you want. It IS worth it! Go out with your girls, wear that shirt he hates, and when he’s texting you bitching and crying, turn off your phone. Here’s what’s going to happen; your mind is going to be thinking about him the whole night, but that’s okay, you need this experiment. You’re going to wonder if you went too far & if he’s done with you. Well, when that phone turns back on, his fake breakup threats will blow up. Here is where you take the power back. Here is where the game changes. He’s going to expect you to baby him or beg for him back. You will do no such thing. If he fake breaks up with you, simply say “Your loss” and don’t respond to anymore calls or texts. Let him toss and turn, let him go crazy, and he will. When morning comes, you now hold the power. You can answer him. Now lay out a few ground rules for him. Once he thinks he’s disposable to you, he’s not going to risk losing you again.
Basic Relationship Rules: (since you’re in this position in the first place, I can assume these have been forgot.)
1. He must speak to you with respect, absolutely NO degrading terms, even as a joke, and this goes for the entire gender, ie. “Women are bitches” (if he doesn’t respect women as a whole, how will he ever respect you?)
2. He must never tell you not to do/wear something /go somewhere. He may express his legitimate concerns but if its solely based on his own insecurities, he can kindly shut the fuck up.
3, You will do your best to make him feel comfortable and trust you when you’re out, but you will NOT baby him/focus on your phone all night. He can not blow you up or ruin your night.
4. The next time he fake breaks up with you to get attention, it will be irreversible. You don’t take that lightly and you could never picture a future with a potential husband who would fake a divorce.
The reason men are controlling is because they are insecure and/or they are cheating. Why should you have to suffer the consequences? They saw you, fell in love with you, with your energy, your personality, your beauty, but then they want to hide you from the world so no one else takes you? It’s possessive love and you seize to be what they fell for in the first place. Remember, you hold the power! You have to love yourself so much that when someone treats you wrong, you recognize it.